I will commence my whining session now. I am going to go way off the knitting theme here, and go on to the baby part of my blog. I have been married for over a year and a half now, and trying to create offspring for just as long. My entire life I have wanted to be a mom, and I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, well sort of. I work at my parents tomato farm in the summers, planting has already started, so I am working some days now. I will continue to work longer hours through the summer until Halloween. This set up works very well for having children, working in the summer and instilling a work ethic while they are young; and having my mom and sister and maybe grandma around to keep an eye on the little buggers, all while working as a family.
So I have had no luck in making my mommy dreams come true. I write this tonight after working at my churches fish dinner, I was the first of my peers to get married, I am young, and I own that fact. But my husband and I are financially stable, and on our own feet completely; my peers on the other hand are living at home with mom and dad, and oops, someone gets pregnant. Nothing kills me more than people having children and then getting married because of said children. Own the fact that you made a baby, and may not be suited for each other, and share custody or whatever. I am not knocking anyone's decisions, but for the most part, people that I know who are around my age, and have babies before being married or committed, and then getting married for the sake of appearances drive me crazy.
Long story short, I have fertility problems. I am angry and upset at the world and maybe even God. I did everything right. I graduated high school, I graduated college, I dated a lot of Mr. wrongs before I found my Mr. Right. We dated and were committed, we got a dog. We got engaged, and got married. We bought a house and another dog. He has a stable and good job, I work at the family business. I go to church, I help the community, I love his family, and he loves mine. So now I will ask and whine, Why not me? I do everything in my power to build a family and home to bring a child into, and I can't. I know I am the problem, I have been tested the husband has been tested, and the results all point to me as the problem.
Now comes the overshare... I have been pregnant; last summer we did it on our own, and it was the most glorious 8 weeks ever. Then my bubble popped. That was one of the very lowest points of my life, and I know my loss was not that great, compared to others. And now it is coming close to my original due date, and I get sad, wishing I still had the baby I lost. Now that I think about it, I am tired of all of it. I go to the special lady doctor, cause the regular ob/gyn can't handle my messed up body, and I get hormones and fetility pills, and I hot flash like a menopausal woman, then I get ultrasounds, then a shot, all paid for out of my pocket. I have health insurance, but my infertility is not their problem. That is not my issue, I can save my extra money, and sacrafice a vacation in order to have my baby. It just doesn't work. It hasn't so far.
I give up. If I offer up my utter failure to God, or the fates or who ever, will they have mercy on me? When I swore off men in my second semester of college, I met my future husband. Do I have to put it out there in order for it to be recognized? I know I am young and should not be worried, but it is all these people I know who are my age, and have accidental pregnancies and babies, then get married. I do everything right and I literally can't produce an heir without medical assistance. I am done, I give up. Do you hear me out there, I can't take it anymore. Maybe God is planning an elaborate 22nd birthday present for me, and it comes in the form of 2 pink lines. I doubt it, and I give up.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Posted by Chickie at 7:39 PM